You might be totally infatuated with them. You might see stars swirling above their pretty little head every time you stare into those gorgeous eyes. You might trust them with every fiber of your heart and soul. That just gives them better access to your heart when they’re ready to run it through a juicer.

Love is never perfect, even when it seems it can’t get any better. Even if that was true, that means the only place it has to go is down (no pun intended). Here are some ways to tell if your relationship might be headed in that direction.

1. Their bedroom door has a “Now Serving Number” sign on it.

2. They go through more mattresses than Madonna did in the 80’s.

3. They work for the Secret Service.

4. They keep losing their keys and strippers keep finding and returning them.

5. They sent their kids to college on the royalties that racked up from their ‘Cheaters’ appearances.

6. Keith Richards has had less diseases than them.

7. When you ask them what they did today, they immediately blurt back, “Not the (insert sports team name or sorority house here)!”

8. They take prescription medication to treat chronic rug burn.

9. They’ve got a “Scotchguard” guy on speed dial.

10. Instead of using firewood in the fireplace, they use motel receipts.

11. You tell them that you think you should see other people and they respond, “Way ahead of you.”