It’s no secret that fast food isn’t good for you. If you’re alarmed by that news, chances are you’ve been unable to read that story because a Double Whopper has been obstructing your view.

And despite this cold hard fact of fast food life, some people manage to find a way to make this artery-busting cuisine even worse for you than a deep fried tire on a stick. Here’s how you can tell the fast food you’re gobbling down isn’t exactly the healthiest choice:

1. The surprise toy in the kids’ meal is a stomach pump.

2. No one can give you your food at the drive-thru because their bulbous hand won’t fit through the window.

3. Vultures circle the restaurant’s dumpster.

4. The sign outside the restaurant reads, “Over 100 billion dollars in lawsuits settled.”

5. The restaurant claims in its advertising it’s 100 percent green because it recycles the bags, the napkins and the food.

6. The restaurant determines who operates the soda machine based the employees’ level of sweatiness.

7. Advertisements proclaim, “Now 100 percent weasel free! We swear this time.”

8. A fight breaks out in the restaurant’s kitchen over who gets to wear the company hairnet.

9. After you complete your order, the cashier asks if you’d like insurance with that.

10. The drive-thru lane has a car-accessible defibrillator machine.

11. The burger begs you to eat it and “put it out of my misery.”

12. The restaurant’s special promotion says that the 10th cardiac arrest earns you a free apple pie.

13. The staff insists the mushrooms on your burger are fresh because they were grown on the bathmat in the men’s room.